


Where's My Love?

by The_Eclectic_Reader23



Category: MCU
Genre: F/M, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loss, Other, Sad with a Happy Ending, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 12:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20814989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Eclectic_Reader23/pseuds/The_Eclectic_Reader23
Summary: After (Y/N)'s tragic death, Loki has to continue living with grief and raising his daughter.Can he do it? And if not, who's going to help in the process of coming back to who he was?





	Where's My Love?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever, so to say I'm a bit nervous and excited is nothing but a simple truth.  
I hope you'll like it, guys. I hope it's going to be a good story, maybe even a happy one, although its theme is rather sad. 
> 
> This songfic is based on a song Where's My Love by SYML. It's really touching. I recommend it to you. 
> 
> And last, but not least, English is not my native language. I apologise if I made some gramatical errors or anything of that way. I'm trying my best. 
> 
> Feedback, positive or negative, is very much appreciated. 
> 
> Enjoy! :-)

"Mommy's sleeping, daddy?" 

"Yes, darling."

"Mommy's sleeping with angels, daddy?" 

"Yes, love, mommy is sleeping with angels." 

Loki glanced at the gravestone where (Y/N)'s name had been carved in. It's been a year his lover, his lucky star was gone. It's been a year of coping with sadness and permanent depression; a year of trying to function bravely and maintaining to raise their six-year-old daughter on his own.

_Cold bones_

_Yeah, that's my love_

The morning she was taken from him began just ordinarly: (Y/N) was preparing breakfast for her little family, not knowing it will be her last, and listened to cheerful laughter coming from the living room. Soon in her sight came dark-haired trickster god, carrying their daughter on his shoulders. They smiled innocently at her; she couldn't resist them and placed a giant kiss on each other's cheek. _They were happy._

Little did Loki know this was the last memory that flashed in (Y/N)'s vision before her life was pumped out of her lungs. 

It was only two hours later that morning when Loki got the call. 

His wife was dead. Killed in a car accident. 

The phone wire hung lowly in his hand while he was trying to reciprocate what the person on the other line was saying. 

"It cannot be...", he whispered.

"She was here this morning... it - it's not been long ago she was here...", he kept muttering in shock. 

The person on the line sighed empathically: "I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry I had to tell you this." 

The funeral was held three days later. 

There were her parents, looking desperate, disoriented. Loki couldn't force himself to look them in the eyes. He was ashamed of not taking better care as he promised he will. He felt guilty of not being able to protect her as he swore he would. He couldn't look them in the eyes; no, he could not. 

Avengers were there too. As being (Y/N)'s closest friends, they came to bid her one last goodbye. Loki hoped they wouldn't resent him, as they've never approved of his and (Y/N)'s marriage. But they didn't. 

Steve nodded politely. Loki nodded back. 

All of them brought white roses and put them in front of (Y/N)'s photograph. Tony placed one extra rose on her coffin; it was red. 

_Her favourite_, Loki remembered.

During the ceremony, Loki's heart started to break. Not in half; but rather in thousands of pieces nobody will ever pick up. He tried imagining a life without her from now on: being alone again, abandoned again, becoming a father and a mother to their child... 

He looked at his daughter. She was clinging onto his hand, clenching it fiercely, as if not to vanish from him completely. 

He's got to stay strong for his little one. 

Loki got down on his knees and hugged his daughter. She returned the favour. 

Standing there on the graveyard, surronded with everybody deemed important in (Y/N)'s short life, Loki pressed his lips on his daughter's hair and shut his eyes closed. Everything he could think about in that certain moment was: _Thank gods you weren't in the car too. _

_She hides away like a ghost _

It was easier for him to simply conjure an illusion of his beloved. And he was doing it often, mostly at the late nights when his daughter was already tucked in bed and asleep. He wished not to confuse her, that's why he was cautious. She was too young to understand the illusions aren't a way to keep a person alive, and he was too broken to look the truth in the eyes. 

That she's not coming back. That she will never return to them. They were a family torn apart now. 

_Does she know that we bleed the same? _

_Don't wanna cry but I break that way_

Loki kept waking up every morning hoping he just relived a horrifying nightmare. His conscious self kept telling him that she's gone, but he prefered listening to his subconscious mind which was irking him every moment with temptation of losing his sanity. 

He would have given in; if there weren't a green-eyed angel with the same shade of (Y/H/C) hair. An angel who was left without a mother and, in Loki's opinion, a role model. What could he possibly do to raise his child properly? Teach her tricks? Check. Tell her lies? Already done. How could he possibly raise her into a functional adult if he hadn't been raised that way? What does he know? 

These thoughts were tormenting Loki every day. He was stumbling between his heartbreak and mourning, and doing human stuff as chores, cooking, taking his daughter to kindergarten. 

First weeks of coping were absolutely the worst. 

_Cold sheets,_

_But where's my love? _

But first weeks of sleeping alone in bed were even worse. 

Loki was constantly turning to (Y/N)'s side of bed, expecting to see her laying there. On sleepless nights like this, she'd grant him encouraging smile and caress his cold cheeks with her warm fingertips. The contrast between their bodies was always soothing to him. 

One night, instead of casting the illusion to do the same thing, but without her familiar warmth, Loki got up. He stood near the window and stared outside at the city she loved so much. The city flashing with millions of neon lights, the city which held painful memories for him. The city he tried once to conquer. The city whose roads had taken away her life - and with that, his own. 

"You couldn't stay, even for me", Loki murmured. 

He gazed at the starry nightsky. The star right there is Asgard, he smiled to himself sadly. His home was now Midgard. Both homes that have made him happy for so long, just to crash his dreams and put sadness and hopelessness upon him. Loki closed his eyes at the thought and cursed himself for such weakness. _Your daughter is important right now_, he growled. _She, not you. _

But he knew he couldn't do much on his own; that's why he decided to ask for help. From a person he'd known would never give up on him. He went back to bed, casting one last glance at the sky she loved so much. 

_I am searching high_

_I'm searching low in the night _

_Does she know that we bleed the same? _

_Don't wanna cry but I break that way_

Thor came as a great help, actually. He'd always had that playfulness and loudness children seemed to adore. He came as a great distraction to the little one. A distraction from the pain of loss and loneliness. _At least one of us can be at peace for a while_, Loki thought. He smiled at the sight of his little one. Joyful smirk was printed on her face as she was watching Thor making funny grimaces and threatning to punch himself with Mjolnir. Thor saw Loki watching them and gave him thumbs up. A favour Loki returned with a small smile; a moment washed away with tears forming in his eyes. Thor didn't miss it. 

He found Loki in his and (Y/N)'s bedroom later. Loki was sitting on the floor, clenching the photo of his wife in hand, while tears streamed down his pale face. 

_Did she run away? Did she run away? _

_I don't know_

Thor kneeled down and tapped his brother's shoulder. 

"Loki, you have to let her go", Thor started. 

"I'm not saying you should forget her, but you can't keep on doing this to yourself... or to your daughter." 

At the mention of his angel, Loki looked up. Thor examined his face. Defeat was written in Loki's eyes. 

"I've never thought... I've never believed I could care for someone that much. And now that she's gone, I've never believed I'd be more hurt than what I've been hurt before", Loki confessed. He let the photo fall on the floor, staring at the place it landed on. 

"And now that she's gone... I don't know what to do or how to do." 

"I know you miss her. We all miss her. But you can't keep on doing this." 

"Doing what?" Loki replied harshly. He was now fully concentrated on his brother. 

Thor blinked. "Isolating yourself, Loki. You're so withdrawn from your daughter - so distant in your own pain that you don't notice hers." 

Loki's eyes grew wide as he returned his gaze at the floor again. Thor was right; his own selfishness got in the way of mourning. It blinded him to everybody else's needs, but his own. 

"You will both heal when you allow yourself to accept the truth, Loki. And till the healing process doesn't begin, I'll be here to take care of my brother and my lovely niece", Thor added. 

Loki looked at Thor. There was hope evident in his eyes. And he hugged him. Finally, he hugged his once rival, once enemy, but now, his brother. 

"My equal", Loki whispered. 

_If she ran away, if she ran away _

_Come back home _

_Just come home_

From that day on, Loki was trying to do the best he could. He tried to smile often. He used to go on long walks in the park with Thor and his angel. He turned it into habit to talk to his brother every evening, opening about not just their relationship or his relationship with (Y/N), but about what happened at the time he was believed dead. Loki told Thor everything about the fears he battled with when he fell in love with (Y/N), when he married her and, finally, when they discovered she was expecting. 

Thor was listening carefully to every Loki's word, and yet he couldn't believe how little did he know about his brother. The negativity that rested upon him, the shadow of greatness that crushed him. The love that brought him peace, the starshine he's got as a product of eternal love. And the pain that tore his brother apart.

_I got a fear, oh in my blood_

_She was carried up into the clouds, high above _

Although he was recovering, Loki knew if there weren't a child, he would have gone after (Y/N). He knew he'd die at any moment just to see her smiling in front of him. He had given up on illusions. Loki promised himself not to cast another one ever again. And he didn't.

Loki decided to fight, to cope with inevitable. 

Loki decided to live. 

_If you bled, I bleed the same _

_If you're scared, I'm on my way _

* * *

It's been a year. 

A year of letting people in; a year of becoming a brother again. A year of becoming a better father. A year of becoming a better _human_. 

"For how long will mommy sleep with angels?" 

Loki looked at his daughter. She was smiling softly. _The healing process had begun. _

"For a very long time, I'm afraid." 

He kneeled down to stroke her cheek. 

"But she will always be with us. In our memories", Loki said. 

His daughter smiled wider at him, with a little hint of mischief glittering in her eyes. _Oh my, she's becoming like me_, Loki laughed at the thought. 

They will be fine. They will heal. And he will protect her. 

His little one sneezes. 

"Maybe you should wait for me in the warm?" Loki suggested. 

She nodded. "Can I leave flowers first?" 

"Of course you can, love."

A daughter kissed the flowers - red roses - and placed them on her mother's grave. She's only six. 

"Love you, mommy", she whispered. 

Thor waved from afar. 

"Go to your uncle, starshine. I'll be there in a minute." 

When he found himself standing there alone, Loki let a few tears to fall down.

"There we are, love", he started. "It's been a year since I lost you." 

He inhaled deeply, shutting his eyes. _You're okay, you're okay_, he said to himself. 

"It's hard without you. I am a safeless ship resting on a shore without you. But I'm trying. For our little one." 

_Did you run away? Did you run away? _

_I don't need to know _

"What I'm trying to say, love, is..." 

He paused and wiped away some tears. 

"I'm letting you go. To rest in peace." 

He put one white orchid in the vase. 

"I won't be tormenting the memory of you again." 

Then he put another one. 

"But I will miss you till the day I'm gone." 

And the last one. 

"Keep a sit next to yourself free for me in Valhalla." 

_If you ran away, if you ran away_

_Come back home _

"I will take the best care of our daughter. She will never miss a thing: love, compassion, support. All the things you taught me, dove."

Loki got up from the ground and cleaned the dirt off his pants.

"Goodbye, my love. We'll see you soon." 

He glanced at the gravestone once more. Loki knew he succeeded; he survived this year without her and he'll keep on surviving. He had reasons to live for. His daughter, his brother. Although the pain will never go away, and some days will be tougher than others, Loki knew he'll make it.

Thor and his little one waited at the end of the graveyard. They were laughing. Loki hugged his brother fiercely, whispering a silent _Thank you._ His daughter grabbed her father's hand and held it tight. 

They went along as a family. A new family built on stronger bonds. A family built on tragedy. 

It's true when they say: sometimes mourning can also be a path to happiness. 

Wherever (Y/N) is now, she is proud. And happy. 

_Just come home _


End file.
